Little Things

I think right now, I want a miracle. I want something BIG to happen.

But in reality, it's the little things I need to pay attention to.

Like at work this week, my bishop's wife came through my line. I talked to her for a while, even though she had never seen me at church, she now knows my face and my name.

A few days later at work, I saw my first councilor of the bishopric. I called him by name and he also came and talked to me. Again, he didn't know who I was, but now he knows my face and my name.

These are the little things that are moving me in the right direction. These are the small steps on the pathway I want to go down.

I keep wanting it to just happen. But that's not going to be the way it works. Heavenly Father keeps reminding me of that.

I just hope I'm at least attending church by March. Why March you ask? Well, other than that seems like a good, feasible goal to accomplish, my missionary comes home. I know, I know, this adds a whole nother dimention to my story.

Even if I don't end up with this particular missionary, that is the goal I'm striving towards.

I have to remind myself of two things:
1. Nobody's perfect, and people have made my same mistake more than I'll ever know;
2. Majorie Hinkley didn't marry a prophet; she married a man.

I have asked off Sunday's starting next semester. Baby step.

Relapse

I guess the best thing about relapsing, is that I've already come a few steps forward. So if I take 3 steps back for every 5 steps forward I take, I'm still a little ahead of where I began.

I haven't done anything that I wanted to accomplish. I didn't make an appointment with my bishop. I wanted to, but I was scared. Picking up the phone was as far as I got. I had the executive secretary's phone number sitting right in front of me, but I couldn't dial the number.

I think right now I'm scared.

Like I said, I had a relapse. I've missed my tarnished man a lot this week, which is pitiful, because it's not like he's made an effort, or has done anything in particular to make me really miss him, I just do. I think this week was just a rough one, and I wanted to go home, and have somebody hold me and tell me everything was going to be okay.

That used to be the arms of my Savior, until I fell off a cliff.

I wish I could pinpoint and tell you exactly what happened; what the reason for my downfall was, but I can't. I think there was a combination of things, a snowball effect of letting go of the rod. That's honestly all I can say.

So while I wish I could say that my steps forward are better than they are, they aren't.

I can tell you this however: I am enrolled in Institute next semester. I haven't taken an institute class for a few years. That is a baby step in the right direction.

Even better: I have a friend taking the class with me. What importance is this you ask? EVERYTHING.

I'm almost positive that friends are going to be the only thing that get me back to the rod, the only thing that will bring me back to my true happiness I have lost sight of.

So while I'm 3 steps back after taking 5 forward, I'm still 2 ahead of what I was.

I hope soon I can have more steps in the right direction to share.