Bad Decision

While I was dating TAM, I made a lot of bad decisions.

The worst decision is why this blog was created.

But there were several bad decisions leading up to them.


The last few day I have been having a spring clean of sorts.

As I went through my closet I found clothes I bought just to make TAM like me more. There were low cut shirts, tight shirts, teeny tiny shorts, mini skirts, well you get the picture.

I had a hard time throwing them out, but I realized it was a final step in my spring clean.
I knew I wasn't going to wear them ever again, but I really didn't want to throw them out. It was hard for me. I guess it was the money I spent on them. Or maybe, it was the idea of why I bought them, having someone to love, someone who loved me.

But I'm really glad I got rid of them. I'm not going to miss them. I haven't worn them in a while, and I never really liked wearing them.

I realized I needed to throw them out. Hanging onto clothes I was never going to wear was just another reminder of my bad decisions I had made for a few years.

So I'm throwing out my bad decisions.

Baby Step #4

I recieved my temple reccommend.

It is the most wonderful feeling in the whole world.

As I am not endowed, nor do I plan on being endowed in the nearing future, I just have a baptismal reccommend, but still, the feeling is the sweetest above all.

I know what I have been through is nothing, because I made a decision and I stuck to it.

I have now completed another one of my goals for the year.

I am attending church regularly.
I am partaking of the sacrament.
I obtained a temple reccommend!

Scriptures

The Relief Society message this month was on scripture study.

We were urged as women and daughters of God to become masters of the scriptures, to strengthen our homes and families. And promised, that as we read our scriptures, our lives would be blessed.

I was extremely grateful for this message.

I have noticed this in my life, about scripture study. When I read my scriptures daily, my life is blessed. I think of TAM less, and life is easier to move through.

I've also noticed when I don't, my body is tired, weak, and so is my spirit and soul. I begin doubting my decision to cut off all communication with TAM and I become discouraged.

I am so much better to get along with on days that I have read my scriptures. I have strived to do better, and I have. But now I need to do even better. I let myself skip a few days here and there, and I don't make sure that reading is a priority, which is completely stupid.

I need to do better, to make my scripture study more of a priority, and I know that my Heavenly Father will bless me, and will make carrying my load a little easier.

Looking Good

I know I said I would write about my experience of taking the sacrament for the first time, but stuff happened.

I guess I was expecting some magical moment to take over as soon as the bread touched my lips, but it didn't. Nothing happened. At all.

When I talked to Bishop for the first time, it was the most wonderful feeling I had felt in a LONG time. So I think I was expecting that experience again, only greater.

I was kind of dissappointed, which is why I didn't write.

Then the next weekend I went home for a nice weekend to spend with my family. I was surprised by how many people said how good I looked, members and non-members alike. My family expressed their gratitude in spending time with the "old" me.

It was during this visit I realized things have changed a lot. A lot. I know I was wanting something, but I realized I didn't need anything. I've already experienced the change I need. Now, I just need to keep moving forward and improving.

I've been doing well, and I've realized the more I keep reading my scriptures, and make an effort with my prayers, the better I feel and the better my attitude is.

I was reading a previous post of mine, and I said that I wanted to at least be attending church by March.



How wonderful is this? I accomplished my goal. And more than that, I not only am attending church, but I am again partaking of the sacrament.



I think my "baby steps" have been HUGE leaps and bounds.

A Deeper Hunger

A couple of weeks ago, when I was still getting my footing, I was sitting in Sacrament Meeting, and the Sacrament was being passed. As I passed the Sacrament to those sitting next to me, I experienced a deep sincere hunger. Having actually eaten breakfast that morning, I knew it was a deeper hunger. I was hungering for the Sacrament, for the ability to continue to be cleansed, to draw even closer to my Savior.

May my hunger be satisfied this Sunday.

Baby Step #3

I met with Bishop last night.

He is so funny.

I had been thinking for a while about when I needed to go back and talk with him. I had been asking Heavenly Father to let me know when. I never was told "On this day, meet with Bishop."

I had told myself the next Sunday I had off was my "sign". Well, it was my second Sunday I've had off. I debated for a while. I've been praying earnestly to my Heavenly Father the last few days to know when. I went to church yesterday, asking. I never got a clear answer.

I decided to go ahead and set up an appointment. I told myself, the worst that's going to happen is Bishop will tell you he feels you aren't ready. That scared me. I guess that's what affirmed I knew I was ready to go back. If I was scared of someone telling me no, that meant I felt in my heart I was.

Bishop said I was more than ready. He was grateful I set up the appointment. He was delighted in my changes. He said last time we met I was sad, there was such a deep dejection in my attitude and my demeanor that wasn't there last night. He said my countenance is bright and vibrant. He told me he could feel happiness radiating from me.

I'm glad. I had a moment yesterday. Just a brief one. I saw a picture of TAM that made me cry. But when I started to cry, I went to my bedside and knelt. I prayed to my Heavenly Father to make it stop hurting. To help me.

I guess He has. He has made my pathway back to Him so easy and so clear. I don't know how I ever got lost before.

I'm scared though. I haven't taken the sacrament for almost 2 years. When I sporadically went to church, I knew I couldn't do it.

So now, next Sunday, FAST sunday, I can. I get to partake of the sacrament and renew my covenants with my Savior. How great is that? I am scared and happy and nervous.

I will give a full report on my experience. (My fast, my partaking of sacrament, and my first testimony shared in 2 years.) I'm ready.