Baby Step #4

I recieved my temple reccommend.

It is the most wonderful feeling in the whole world.

As I am not endowed, nor do I plan on being endowed in the nearing future, I just have a baptismal reccommend, but still, the feeling is the sweetest above all.

I know what I have been through is nothing, because I made a decision and I stuck to it.

I have now completed another one of my goals for the year.

I am attending church regularly.
I am partaking of the sacrament.
I obtained a temple reccommend!

Looking Good

I know I said I would write about my experience of taking the sacrament for the first time, but stuff happened.

I guess I was expecting some magical moment to take over as soon as the bread touched my lips, but it didn't. Nothing happened. At all.

When I talked to Bishop for the first time, it was the most wonderful feeling I had felt in a LONG time. So I think I was expecting that experience again, only greater.

I was kind of dissappointed, which is why I didn't write.

Then the next weekend I went home for a nice weekend to spend with my family. I was surprised by how many people said how good I looked, members and non-members alike. My family expressed their gratitude in spending time with the "old" me.

It was during this visit I realized things have changed a lot. A lot. I know I was wanting something, but I realized I didn't need anything. I've already experienced the change I need. Now, I just need to keep moving forward and improving.

I've been doing well, and I've realized the more I keep reading my scriptures, and make an effort with my prayers, the better I feel and the better my attitude is.

Baby Step #3

I met with Bishop last night.

He is so funny.

I had been thinking for a while about when I needed to go back and talk with him. I had been asking Heavenly Father to let me know when. I never was told "On this day, meet with Bishop."

I had told myself the next Sunday I had off was my "sign". Well, it was my second Sunday I've had off. I debated for a while. I've been praying earnestly to my Heavenly Father the last few days to know when. I went to church yesterday, asking. I never got a clear answer.

I decided to go ahead and set up an appointment. I told myself, the worst that's going to happen is Bishop will tell you he feels you aren't ready. That scared me. I guess that's what affirmed I knew I was ready to go back. If I was scared of someone telling me no, that meant I felt in my heart I was.

Bishop said I was more than ready. He was grateful I set up the appointment. He was delighted in my changes. He said last time we met I was sad, there was such a deep dejection in my attitude and my demeanor that wasn't there last night. He said my countenance is bright and vibrant. He told me he could feel happiness radiating from me.

I'm glad. I had a moment yesterday. Just a brief one. I saw a picture of TAM that made me cry. But when I started to cry, I went to my bedside and knelt. I prayed to my Heavenly Father to make it stop hurting. To help me.

I guess He has. He has made my pathway back to Him so easy and so clear. I don't know how I ever got lost before.

I'm scared though. I haven't taken the sacrament for almost 2 years. When I sporadically went to church, I knew I couldn't do it.

So now, next Sunday, FAST sunday, I can. I get to partake of the sacrament and renew my covenants with my Savior. How great is that? I am scared and happy and nervous.

I will give a full report on my experience. (My fast, my partaking of sacrament, and my first testimony shared in 2 years.) I'm ready.

Step #2 Continued

I met with my bishop tonight, and it reaffirmed my belief that men of that nature truly are called of God.

He was so kind and sincere and loving. We met for about 45 minutes or so, and I'm pretty sure he had 2 other appointments after me, but he still met with me and just kept asking questions about me and about my past in the church, out of the church, and what I want to do with my life. I struggled; I tried "confessing" my sins a few times, but I would neglect to say the important aspects of the sentence, but Bishop caught on.

He was so sweet too, he asked if he could ask me questions, because I didn't want to describe to him the relations I had with my TAM. His word: describe. I thought how do you describe something like that? So he asked me, and all I had to say was a simple yes or no depending on the question.

He was so sweet, and so much like a father-figure. He told me the actions I need to take at this point are to refrain from taking the sacrament, which I have been anyway, because I have felt so guilty to even try. He also told me to, in the next few weeks, reestablish my relationship with my Heavenly Father and he wanted me to read my scriptures and to pray.

He also told me something that was kind of interesting to me; he said: I think you've beat yourself up enough, that the guilt is there, and the comittment to not repeat this sin is great. Our Heavenly Father is a loving one, and once you're done with this repentance process, He will no longer remember your sins, but you will, to remind you to never do it again.

I was really greatful for him. I'm so glad that Heavenly Father has heard my unspoken prayers, and has made my way back to Him clear.

After I left my bishop's office I felt so at peace, and I truly felt as if a burden had been lifted. I honestly felt as if I was no longer carrying the world on my shoulders. I've made a lot of progress just in the last week or two, which means I really need to be careful now, because Satan uses the vulnerability I'm feeling to come in and attack me once more. I can't let him. I don't ever want to feel what I've felt over the past year, ever again.

So what Bishop and I have decided: I need to pray earnestly to my Heavenly Father to create a closer relationship with Him. I also need to read my scriptures daily, especially from the Book of Mormon. I am also to refrain from taking the sacrament for a few weeks, and I will meet with Bishop again in 4-6 weeks (depending upon how I'm feeling) and go from there.

Completion of Step #2

The truth is, when I decided to create this blog, I thought my process back was going to
be so difficult, that I didn't know how or if I was ever going to be able to return to the gospel. My desire is there, however, and I think that is what is making the biggest difference right now. My desire to return to my Heavenly Father is Great, and because of that desire, I am not allowing anything to get in my way.

This I contribute to my Patriarchal blessing. In it I am told that I am blessed with:
"health and safety and protection, both physical and spiritual, that [I] might grow in the gospel unhampered by physical ailment or spiritual conflict."

I kind of think Satan is a spiritual conflict, and he was able to overcome me a year ago, because I was not holding up my end of the deal and promises I made with my Savior.

But my steps now are in the right direction.

Baby Step #2

So,
You win some, you lose some. I didn't go to church yesterday. I had every intention of doing so, but just couldn't bring myself to do so. I know it was the adversary, but I let him win.

I went to work in the afternoon for a half shift, and came home around 6:30. I sat and chatted with my roommate, and she explained the Elder's Quorum Presidency stopped by, as well as the first and second counselors in the bishopric. I was happy, because for the first time since I've been in the ward, the leadership actually stopped by to chat; but I was sad, because I had to be at work during that time.

Well, during my chat with my roommate, we heard the doorbell, and lo and behold, it was the first and second counselors in the bishopric! They explained they had a feeling they needed to come back, and didn't exactly know why, until I answered the door.

They sat and talked with us for an hour or more. Just about life, and asked about my family and they also offered sincere counsel for when another moment like yesterday morning happened. They explained it will be difficult, especially the first few weeks, but if I sincerely pray, asking for the ability/strength to go to church or wherever, that I will be blessed to do so; and they also told me to read my scriptures, particularly the Book of Mormon, because I will be given the strength to move forward every single day.

Simple, but inspired. I wasn't asked to move mountains, I was asked to move me.

Also; I finally made my bishop's appointment. I will be meeting with him tomorrow evening. Wish me luck!

Baby Step #1

Baby Step #1 of MY YEAR!

I went to church yesterday. I haven't been to church in almost 2 years. Yes sporadically here and there I have attended, but never in my heart. Yesterday, I was there 100%. Towards the end it became a little difficult, but I stuck it out.

Here's the baby step story, stay tuned, because it's a good 'ne!

Since starting my new job in October, I have been writing out tithing checks. However, I never was able to attend church because said job always had me working on Sundays. Therefore, I had accumulated several checks on my desk.

So yesterday, when I went to church, I turned in all of my tithing checks from October on. My bishop shook my hand and looked at me curiously, as if trying to decide whether or not to ask my name. He did, I told him, and I left.

Well, (This is where the baby step gets really good!) I had just gotten off the phone with my mom, and was getting ready to go to work. I got a phone call from a number I didn't recognize, but decided to answer anyway. It was my bishop. He called to ask me about my tithing (basically a tithing settlement on the phone because I never went to one in December). I told him I didn't know. I explained to him I had not attended church for 2 years, and that today (yesterday) was the first time I have been in a long time. His voice became nurturing, he wanted to help me. He asked me to make an appointment so he could get to know me, and so we can discuss a way to help me.

You may be asking yourself, or maybe even wondering why this is so significant.

I'll tell you.

This is an answered prayer from my loving Heavenly Father.

Why, you ask?

Because I have a hard time asking for help. I have tried to call to make an appointment to see this same bishop, but have failed everytime, because I just can't. I don't know how to go in to see this bishop and explain to him that I screwed up and had sex and regret it.

Now, this bishop knows I've been struggling. This bishop has spoken to me. This bishop has opened the door.

So next sunday, I'm making that appointment to meet with my bishop.

Conclusion of baby step #1.