Bad Decision

While I was dating TAM, I made a lot of bad decisions.

The worst decision is why this blog was created.

But there were several bad decisions leading up to them.


The last few day I have been having a spring clean of sorts.

As I went through my closet I found clothes I bought just to make TAM like me more. There were low cut shirts, tight shirts, teeny tiny shorts, mini skirts, well you get the picture.

I had a hard time throwing them out, but I realized it was a final step in my spring clean.
I knew I wasn't going to wear them ever again, but I really didn't want to throw them out. It was hard for me. I guess it was the money I spent on them. Or maybe, it was the idea of why I bought them, having someone to love, someone who loved me.

But I'm really glad I got rid of them. I'm not going to miss them. I haven't worn them in a while, and I never really liked wearing them.

I realized I needed to throw them out. Hanging onto clothes I was never going to wear was just another reminder of my bad decisions I had made for a few years.

So I'm throwing out my bad decisions.

Scriptures

The Relief Society message this month was on scripture study.

We were urged as women and daughters of God to become masters of the scriptures, to strengthen our homes and families. And promised, that as we read our scriptures, our lives would be blessed.

I was extremely grateful for this message.

I have noticed this in my life, about scripture study. When I read my scriptures daily, my life is blessed. I think of TAM less, and life is easier to move through.

I've also noticed when I don't, my body is tired, weak, and so is my spirit and soul. I begin doubting my decision to cut off all communication with TAM and I become discouraged.

I am so much better to get along with on days that I have read my scriptures. I have strived to do better, and I have. But now I need to do even better. I let myself skip a few days here and there, and I don't make sure that reading is a priority, which is completely stupid.

I need to do better, to make my scripture study more of a priority, and I know that my Heavenly Father will bless me, and will make carrying my load a little easier.

Looking Good

I know I said I would write about my experience of taking the sacrament for the first time, but stuff happened.

I guess I was expecting some magical moment to take over as soon as the bread touched my lips, but it didn't. Nothing happened. At all.

When I talked to Bishop for the first time, it was the most wonderful feeling I had felt in a LONG time. So I think I was expecting that experience again, only greater.

I was kind of dissappointed, which is why I didn't write.

Then the next weekend I went home for a nice weekend to spend with my family. I was surprised by how many people said how good I looked, members and non-members alike. My family expressed their gratitude in spending time with the "old" me.

It was during this visit I realized things have changed a lot. A lot. I know I was wanting something, but I realized I didn't need anything. I've already experienced the change I need. Now, I just need to keep moving forward and improving.

I've been doing well, and I've realized the more I keep reading my scriptures, and make an effort with my prayers, the better I feel and the better my attitude is.

A Deeper Hunger

A couple of weeks ago, when I was still getting my footing, I was sitting in Sacrament Meeting, and the Sacrament was being passed. As I passed the Sacrament to those sitting next to me, I experienced a deep sincere hunger. Having actually eaten breakfast that morning, I knew it was a deeper hunger. I was hungering for the Sacrament, for the ability to continue to be cleansed, to draw even closer to my Savior.

May my hunger be satisfied this Sunday.

Praying

One of my goals I had this year was to return to all my church activity, and that included institute.

I am so grateful that I did. I have an amazing experience every time.

Today was on prayer. When Bishop asked me to work on developing a closer relationship with my Heavenly Father by reading my scriptures and praying; I swallowed back some reservations I've had.

Prayer has never been a strong point for me. Never encouraged in my life.

But today, we talked about how simple prayer really is. How Heavenly Father wants us to talk to Him; how asking for the same thing over and over again isn't a vain repetition.

We need to weary the Lord with our prayers-talk to Him like a friend and ask Him for help like we ask our friends for help.

God cares about me; He hears me. To think otherwise is to be conviced of a satanic lie, bringing me back down to a level I never want to be again.

Right now, I'm asking God to help me forgive myself.
To let me know when I should go talk to my bishop again.

Those are the two things I'm asking for, and will continue to ask for until I know they are answered.

Lessons Learned

I have learned so much in such a short amount of time.

I have come to a realization the reason last week was so hard was that I forgot the Lord. I had gotten so busy and so stressed out, that I didn't make time to remember Him in my life. My thoughts were clouded over with other things, and I didn't let Him into my life.

This week, I have made an extra effort to remember Him in my life, and to remember Him in my interactions with others, and can I tell you what? Things have gone really well. I've had my moments where I could have gotten really upset, or let things get to me, but I didn't because in those moments I already had Heavenly Father holding my hand, and calming me, and helping me laugh my way through.

I ask God to put my soul at ease, and I wake up singing a hymn. I haven't cried, or been angry, or felt animosity towards another soul this week, unlike last week.

I've come to find when we need our Heavenly Father the most, is when we most forget to turn to Him.