Relapse

I guess the best thing about relapsing, is that I've already come a few steps forward. So if I take 3 steps back for every 5 steps forward I take, I'm still a little ahead of where I began.

I haven't done anything that I wanted to accomplish. I didn't make an appointment with my bishop. I wanted to, but I was scared. Picking up the phone was as far as I got. I had the executive secretary's phone number sitting right in front of me, but I couldn't dial the number.

I think right now I'm scared.

Like I said, I had a relapse. I've missed my tarnished man a lot this week, which is pitiful, because it's not like he's made an effort, or has done anything in particular to make me really miss him, I just do. I think this week was just a rough one, and I wanted to go home, and have somebody hold me and tell me everything was going to be okay.

That used to be the arms of my Savior, until I fell off a cliff.

I wish I could pinpoint and tell you exactly what happened; what the reason for my downfall was, but I can't. I think there was a combination of things, a snowball effect of letting go of the rod. That's honestly all I can say.

So while I wish I could say that my steps forward are better than they are, they aren't.

I can tell you this however: I am enrolled in Institute next semester. I haven't taken an institute class for a few years. That is a baby step in the right direction.

Even better: I have a friend taking the class with me. What importance is this you ask? EVERYTHING.

I'm almost positive that friends are going to be the only thing that get me back to the rod, the only thing that will bring me back to my true happiness I have lost sight of.

So while I'm 3 steps back after taking 5 forward, I'm still 2 ahead of what I was.

I hope soon I can have more steps in the right direction to share.