Digging in your feet

I've always been kind of a stubborn person.

So when I found myself being hurtled down this path, I put my feet in and sat down. I haven't moved in either direction for a while, so this is good. This is the most crucial part of my baby steps I think.

I have to stop completely what I am doing.

The next baby step is to turn around. I'm making an appointment to speak with my bishop.

Then, I'm going to take another baby step towards the lighted pathway. Attend at least 1 church meeting a week.

These are my baby steps for the next few weeks. They may take longer than weeks, but as soon as these are done, we will add another baby step.

The heartache

I've experienced a lot of heartache since that cold December morning a year ago. I have had ups and downs, in all aspects of my life.

I've had ups and downs with my tarnished man.

I've had ups and downs with the church.

But mostly I've had ups and downs about my guilt.

I miss going to church. That is the BIGGEST heartache I could ever want to experience. Without the church I am lost, wandering in the wilderness wondering where to go. I don't think any other heartache could equal what it is like to be "lost". As much as I would not want to lose a child, or a very close loved one, the loss of church is almost worse.

I think going back to church would be easier (not easy) if I didn't have the guilt I have currently resting upon my shoulders of what I have done.

The Downfall

I've never felt strong in the church. I've struggled through most of my life being a strong example in the LDS church. I didn't grow up with a strong LDS community and my family was less strong than that. I had little ups and downs, but I never felt like I quite had the communication with God down-pat.

No one in my wards ever made much of an effort to reach out to me, to help me. I always was well behaved, and I never had the flashing lights of signs that told everyone there was something wrong. I struggled most of my life, wanting to be good enough, but never quite acheiving that perfection.

Also, my self-esteem was always quite low. I knew I had standards, but I didn't know what exactly that meant. I went to my freshman year of college expecting to experience some sort of dating relationship, and I didn't get this. I made a lot of friends, and had a great experience, but I didn't get what I was wanting: someone to love me for who I was.

Shortly after my freshman year of college, I met a man who found an interest in me. For the first time in my life I felt pursued. It was wonderful, so I latched on. This man wasn't LDS, but I laid out my standards for him on our very first date, and he was agreed. He really was a man in shining armour. He was wonderful.

Then I went back to college, and I started to feel stretched and pulled in more directions than I could handle. This man and I had stress put on our already scandalous relationship, and we broke up a few times, but always got back together.

I stopped going to church after we got engaged a year after we met, which was followed by a very tumultuous summer. We decided to break up before I went back to school again.

During this time I saw a man who was not the man I had started dating the previous year.

I thought I would be okay, and that going back to church would be easy. It wasn't. I couldn't muster what it took to get myself to the church building, and I didn't have any encouragement to go.

Well, I started finally getting over the breakup with this tarnished armour man, and then I went home for Christmas. My mother told me there were not enough beds in the house and I needed to find somewhere else to stay due to my immediate and extended family coming to stay. I stayed on the tarnished man's couch, because I had no where else to go.

The couch turned to the bed. The bed turned to sex. The sex turned into another engagement.

Which leads me to where I am today.

The Background

To save you from a lot of little details, simply put my life has been hard.

Also to save you from a lot of guessing I am LDS.

These two aren't typically grouped into the same category. Most people think of mormons as living an easy life, and are known best for their strength in family. I have no family strength really, and that's hard, but true.

I have had a rough couple of years, and I'm going to start this blog from the beginning, to lead you up to where I am now; the ups, the downs, and the in-betweens.

I hope to help those who are afraid to ask for help, as I have always been. I also hope to maybe help myself get to where I want to be.

Creation of this Blog

I have created this blog in attempt to reach out to people who have felt like me or similar.

This metaphor of "Baby Steps" has been my theme of life.

This blog is to explicate on my trials of returning home to a loving God.