The Downfall

I've never felt strong in the church. I've struggled through most of my life being a strong example in the LDS church. I didn't grow up with a strong LDS community and my family was less strong than that. I had little ups and downs, but I never felt like I quite had the communication with God down-pat.

No one in my wards ever made much of an effort to reach out to me, to help me. I always was well behaved, and I never had the flashing lights of signs that told everyone there was something wrong. I struggled most of my life, wanting to be good enough, but never quite acheiving that perfection.

Also, my self-esteem was always quite low. I knew I had standards, but I didn't know what exactly that meant. I went to my freshman year of college expecting to experience some sort of dating relationship, and I didn't get this. I made a lot of friends, and had a great experience, but I didn't get what I was wanting: someone to love me for who I was.

Shortly after my freshman year of college, I met a man who found an interest in me. For the first time in my life I felt pursued. It was wonderful, so I latched on. This man wasn't LDS, but I laid out my standards for him on our very first date, and he was agreed. He really was a man in shining armour. He was wonderful.

Then I went back to college, and I started to feel stretched and pulled in more directions than I could handle. This man and I had stress put on our already scandalous relationship, and we broke up a few times, but always got back together.

I stopped going to church after we got engaged a year after we met, which was followed by a very tumultuous summer. We decided to break up before I went back to school again.

During this time I saw a man who was not the man I had started dating the previous year.

I thought I would be okay, and that going back to church would be easy. It wasn't. I couldn't muster what it took to get myself to the church building, and I didn't have any encouragement to go.

Well, I started finally getting over the breakup with this tarnished armour man, and then I went home for Christmas. My mother told me there were not enough beds in the house and I needed to find somewhere else to stay due to my immediate and extended family coming to stay. I stayed on the tarnished man's couch, because I had no where else to go.

The couch turned to the bed. The bed turned to sex. The sex turned into another engagement.

Which leads me to where I am today.