Dear TAM,
I'm sorry. I owe you a true and deep, sincere apology. I don't know what else to say other than that. I never should have treated you the way I did, stringing you along pretending to want the same things.
I was lying. If not to you, to me. I know that now. I want things that you are unable and unwilling to provide. I knew that.
I think that's why it was so hard. I wanted to be with you, because I love you. I always will love you. And I tried to convince both of us that my love was enough. It would trump the true feelings of my heart.
It was when I realized my fingers were slipping away from my Savior's I realized I had to make a choice.
I broke up with you in my heart long before I walked out that cold January morning. Long before. I'm sorry I wasn't honest with you. I'm sorry I lied to you.
I wish I could make things right. But I know I can't. I know we can't be friends right now. I'm still healing, and you're healing in your own way.
But I hope you can forgive me. I hope that you are happy now. I hope that you experience a happiness I could never give you.
Love,
Angel.
Showing posts with label Letters. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Letters. Show all posts
Friday, February 26, 2010
Thursday, January 7, 2010
A Letter
Dear TAM,
You broke my heart. You know you did. But in a way, I needed you to. We both know that eventually our relationship would end. Though I wore the ring you bought for me for a year, if I, deep down inside of me wanted to marry you, we would have found a way to be married, and for that I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I wasn’t honest enough with myself to be honest with you.
As much as I want to be angry at you and hate you for what you did to me, and what I became when I was with you, I can’t. I can’t hate you. Maybe because the love that I hold in my heart for you will always trump the hatred I want to feel towards you.
People ask me, why did I waste 2 1/2 years of my life with you. I ask myself daily that question, ever since I walked out that night and never looked back. I didn’t waste 2 1/2 years of my life. I acquired a knowledge about myself and about what I want. I am grateful for the times we had together, granted the good times are what I want to remember most. I want to remember laughing together, hiking together, camping together, our intimate conversations we used to have, our simple walks together, the way you used to call me angel when you spoke to me, and tried so hard to figure out how to play with my hair, and when you used to run your fingers in little designs in the small of my back. These are the things I will always cherish; I want to remember these things most.
But I can’t forget the disagreements, the bad things.
The bad things are what made me realize we could never truly be together. Deep down, we both knew. We knew eventually, I would get to a point where I no longer could walk the line and would have to choose a side. When you started pulling me away from the church I didn’t really notice, that’s how Satan works; deceiving us in little ways. He figured out my weakness, and used you against me. To begin with, the comments didn’t bug me as much, but the more I didn’t say anything, the more you did.
I’ve always loved the gospel. It’s been good to me in times that nothing else was; not my family, not my friends, not school, not anything. The church was the one constant I had in my life, the one thing that ever really made sense to me, and slowly you began to pick at it, and I let you. I let you get away with a lot more than you ever deserved, but it got to be too much.
I realized I couldn’t have you both. I had to make a decision. I procrastinated it for a long time. I’m stubborn, and I wanted to believe you were different, you would change: we both know you won’t. I loved you deeply, and more than I ever thought I could ever love another human being, but I will always love the gospel more. Nothing can ever keep me away from the truth that I know.
So while I want to be sad about us, about my wasted time, about the way things ended, I can’t let myself. I can’t be sad, because this is my chance to find out who I really am, and to see what my future holds.
A few nights before I left, I caught a glimpse of the life I would have with you. It wasn’t a happy one. It was very much like the life my parents chose for themselves, and I couldn’t do that to myself, or to my children I will have. I saw an unhappy marriage, filled with heartache and sadness. I deserve better. Not right now, but I do, soon.
So TAM, I love you, but I love the gospel more. This is where I finally get the last word.
Love Always
Angel
You broke my heart. You know you did. But in a way, I needed you to. We both know that eventually our relationship would end. Though I wore the ring you bought for me for a year, if I, deep down inside of me wanted to marry you, we would have found a way to be married, and for that I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I wasn’t honest enough with myself to be honest with you.
As much as I want to be angry at you and hate you for what you did to me, and what I became when I was with you, I can’t. I can’t hate you. Maybe because the love that I hold in my heart for you will always trump the hatred I want to feel towards you.
People ask me, why did I waste 2 1/2 years of my life with you. I ask myself daily that question, ever since I walked out that night and never looked back. I didn’t waste 2 1/2 years of my life. I acquired a knowledge about myself and about what I want. I am grateful for the times we had together, granted the good times are what I want to remember most. I want to remember laughing together, hiking together, camping together, our intimate conversations we used to have, our simple walks together, the way you used to call me angel when you spoke to me, and tried so hard to figure out how to play with my hair, and when you used to run your fingers in little designs in the small of my back. These are the things I will always cherish; I want to remember these things most.
But I can’t forget the disagreements, the bad things.
The bad things are what made me realize we could never truly be together. Deep down, we both knew. We knew eventually, I would get to a point where I no longer could walk the line and would have to choose a side. When you started pulling me away from the church I didn’t really notice, that’s how Satan works; deceiving us in little ways. He figured out my weakness, and used you against me. To begin with, the comments didn’t bug me as much, but the more I didn’t say anything, the more you did.
I’ve always loved the gospel. It’s been good to me in times that nothing else was; not my family, not my friends, not school, not anything. The church was the one constant I had in my life, the one thing that ever really made sense to me, and slowly you began to pick at it, and I let you. I let you get away with a lot more than you ever deserved, but it got to be too much.
I realized I couldn’t have you both. I had to make a decision. I procrastinated it for a long time. I’m stubborn, and I wanted to believe you were different, you would change: we both know you won’t. I loved you deeply, and more than I ever thought I could ever love another human being, but I will always love the gospel more. Nothing can ever keep me away from the truth that I know.
So while I want to be sad about us, about my wasted time, about the way things ended, I can’t let myself. I can’t be sad, because this is my chance to find out who I really am, and to see what my future holds.
A few nights before I left, I caught a glimpse of the life I would have with you. It wasn’t a happy one. It was very much like the life my parents chose for themselves, and I couldn’t do that to myself, or to my children I will have. I saw an unhappy marriage, filled with heartache and sadness. I deserve better. Not right now, but I do, soon.
So TAM, I love you, but I love the gospel more. This is where I finally get the last word.
Love Always
Angel
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
