A Letter

Dear TAM,

You broke my heart. You know you did. But in a way, I needed you to. We both know that eventually our relationship would end. Though I wore the ring you bought for me for a year, if I, deep down inside of me wanted to marry you, we would have found a way to be married, and for that I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I wasn’t honest enough with myself to be honest with you.

As much as I want to be angry at you and hate you for what you did to me, and what I became when I was with you, I can’t. I can’t hate you. Maybe because the love that I hold in my heart for you will always trump the hatred I want to feel towards you.

People ask me, why did I waste 2 1/2 years of my life with you. I ask myself daily that question, ever since I walked out that night and never looked back. I didn’t waste 2 1/2 years of my life. I acquired a knowledge about myself and about what I want. I am grateful for the times we had together, granted the good times are what I want to remember most. I want to remember laughing together, hiking together, camping together, our intimate conversations we used to have, our simple walks together, the way you used to call me angel when you spoke to me, and tried so hard to figure out how to play with my hair, and when you used to run your fingers in little designs in the small of my back. These are the things I will always cherish; I want to remember these things most.

But I can’t forget the disagreements, the bad things.

The bad things are what made me realize we could never truly be together. Deep down, we both knew. We knew eventually, I would get to a point where I no longer could walk the line and would have to choose a side. When you started pulling me away from the church I didn’t really notice, that’s how Satan works; deceiving us in little ways. He figured out my weakness, and used you against me. To begin with, the comments didn’t bug me as much, but the more I didn’t say anything, the more you did.

I’ve always loved the gospel. It’s been good to me in times that nothing else was; not my family, not my friends, not school, not anything. The church was the one constant I had in my life, the one thing that ever really made sense to me, and slowly you began to pick at it, and I let you. I let you get away with a lot more than you ever deserved, but it got to be too much.

I realized I couldn’t have you both. I had to make a decision. I procrastinated it for a long time. I’m stubborn, and I wanted to believe you were different, you would change: we both know you won’t. I loved you deeply, and more than I ever thought I could ever love another human being, but I will always love the gospel more. Nothing can ever keep me away from the truth that I know.

So while I want to be sad about us, about my wasted time, about the way things ended, I can’t let myself. I can’t be sad, because this is my chance to find out who I really am, and to see what my future holds.

A few nights before I left, I caught a glimpse of the life I would have with you. It wasn’t a happy one. It was very much like the life my parents chose for themselves, and I couldn’t do that to myself, or to my children I will have. I saw an unhappy marriage, filled with heartache and sadness. I deserve better. Not right now, but I do, soon.

So TAM, I love you, but I love the gospel more. This is where I finally get the last word.

Love Always
Angel