An Apology Letter

Dear TAM,
I'm sorry. I owe you a true and deep, sincere apology. I don't know what else to say other than that. I never should have treated you the way I did, stringing you along pretending to want the same things.

I was lying. If not to you, to me. I know that now. I want things that you are unable and unwilling to provide. I knew that.

I think that's why it was so hard. I wanted to be with you, because I love you. I always will love you. And I tried to convince both of us that my love was enough. It would trump the true feelings of my heart.

It was when I realized my fingers were slipping away from my Savior's I realized I had to make a choice.

I broke up with you in my heart long before I walked out that cold January morning. Long before. I'm sorry I wasn't honest with you. I'm sorry I lied to you.

I wish I could make things right. But I know I can't. I know we can't be friends right now. I'm still healing, and you're healing in your own way.

But I hope you can forgive me. I hope that you are happy now. I hope that you experience a happiness I could never give you.

Love,
Angel.

Praying

One of my goals I had this year was to return to all my church activity, and that included institute.

I am so grateful that I did. I have an amazing experience every time.

Today was on prayer. When Bishop asked me to work on developing a closer relationship with my Heavenly Father by reading my scriptures and praying; I swallowed back some reservations I've had.

Prayer has never been a strong point for me. Never encouraged in my life.

But today, we talked about how simple prayer really is. How Heavenly Father wants us to talk to Him; how asking for the same thing over and over again isn't a vain repetition.

We need to weary the Lord with our prayers-talk to Him like a friend and ask Him for help like we ask our friends for help.

God cares about me; He hears me. To think otherwise is to be conviced of a satanic lie, bringing me back down to a level I never want to be again.

Right now, I'm asking God to help me forgive myself.
To let me know when I should go talk to my bishop again.

Those are the two things I'm asking for, and will continue to ask for until I know they are answered.

Moving Forward

So today was a hard day.

I heard TAM is searching for single girls again.

That breaks my heart.

True, it's been 6 weeks since we've spoken, but I'm having a hard time.

How is it that my best friend can walk away and not even care about me anymore.

He told me once, he was going to care about me the rest of his life. I have a hard time believing that. Especially for how easy it is for him to jump back to the life he had without me, when I sit here and cry and miss him immensely.

Hard is what this is.

But we cannot rise up out of the world to reach our highest potential without undergoing uncomfortable, sometimes painful, experiences. (I read that out of the January Ensign)

Time to move forward. TAM has.

Sunflowers

I have loved Sunflowers since I was a small girl. I love the colors, I love the size, and I love how they follow the sun throughout the day.

They are beautiful. Everything about them.

I think often how I need to be more like the sunflower, following my Savior throughout my day, making sure he's guiding my life.

The intracacies of these beautiful flowers just amazes me. How delicate, yet strong they can be.



I also love that not all of them are beautiful. Some of them have blemishes. Some don't stand out as much as others. Some weren't nurtured the way they should be, but even still, they continue to follow the sun, all day every day.

As should I.

Grief

I was thinking about the stages of grief that everyone goes through. We all go through them differently and for different things.

But I realized with my breakup with TAM, that I am also experiencing stages of grief.

I lost my best friend. Granted, he was an earthly friend, and not the best friend one could ask for, but he was mine.

I was okay for a while. But recently, I've really started to miss him. There are days when I don't want to get out of bed, because I don't know if I will ever be happy again. I mean, I'm happy, I really am. But there are days when I just want to call him up, like I used to. Excitedly tell him my good news. Or vent my bad.

I wish it wasn't this way. I wish that things had gone differently. I think about specific moments that I will always cherish and it tears my heart in half. I hate feeling this way, but I do.

I know this is only a moment in time. And only recently, have I been reminded that my Savior is carrying me through this time, and he has already felt this pain and heartache that I'm experiencing. That knowledge makes what I'm feeling really bitter-sweet.

How grateful I am that I can partake of the fruit of the atonement, to know that this is just a small, but needed, moment.

On the upside, there are only good things to come. The "depression stage" of grief is the lowest point one experiences.

I am anxious for the day when I think of TAM less, and will have other things to focus my energy on.

Lessons Learned

I have learned so much in such a short amount of time.

I have come to a realization the reason last week was so hard was that I forgot the Lord. I had gotten so busy and so stressed out, that I didn't make time to remember Him in my life. My thoughts were clouded over with other things, and I didn't let Him into my life.

This week, I have made an extra effort to remember Him in my life, and to remember Him in my interactions with others, and can I tell you what? Things have gone really well. I've had my moments where I could have gotten really upset, or let things get to me, but I didn't because in those moments I already had Heavenly Father holding my hand, and calming me, and helping me laugh my way through.

I ask God to put my soul at ease, and I wake up singing a hymn. I haven't cried, or been angry, or felt animosity towards another soul this week, unlike last week.

I've come to find when we need our Heavenly Father the most, is when we most forget to turn to Him.

An Experiment

I know this is bad, but I just had to do it, for me.

Last week sucked. It really did. I cried all the time. I was missing TAM after realizing it had been a month since we had spoken, and he didn't even care. I was stressed out and tired from work and school, and trying so hard to remember my Heavenly Father again, and to remind myself that I'm a daughter of God. I forget that a lot now.

I thought after I asked my friend for a blessing, I would be at peace, even if things didn't get easier, I would be shown a pathway and would be able to keep my head above water. I wasn't. I mean I heard the things I needed to hear from my Heavenly Father, but I wasn't doing okay. At all.

I didn't know what to do. I went to church on Sunday an hour late and angry. I have been feeling such animosity for everyone around me. Everyone made me angry, and everyone was iritating. I started to think about that. If everyone was acting that way to me, maybe it wasn't them; maybe it was me.

What a horrible thought.

Then I had another realization. I hadn't been taking Bishop's advice. I mean I was, but not consistently. I couldn't really think back on the week, due to my haziness and my tears, but I started wondering how much the two corresponded.

So Sunday, I read my scriptures and I asked my Heavenly Father for two things. To forgive my ignorance. And to help me to be at peace. I asked Him to bless me, to help me at work, and in school.

And guess what, Monday was great! I woke up singing "Clay in His Hands" by Jessie Clark. I literally woke up singing. I don't sing, but this song puts my heart at peace, and these lyrics were the first thoughts of my day. Pretty great.

So being the pessimest that I am, I had to test God. You would think I would have learned my lesson, considering, well you know, but no. I had to see.

So last night I didn't read my scriptures, and I didn't pray, and today was horrible. I woke up when I was supposed to be at a meeting, and therefore showed up late for the meeting, wasn't able to focus, felt tired all day, and didn't get anything done I needed to.

I could sit here and tell you it was just a coincidence, but there is no such thing as a coincidence when you have a testimony of God and His Son, so I know the events that transpired today were not a coincidence, but a realization, that those two simple things are what make my day either good or bad.

I think I needed that confirmation from my Heavenly Father. I needed to know that I'm doing the right thing, and that I'm on the right path.

So now, (like when I used to have the Lord close to my heart)
I will:
"be still and know that I am God" -Psalms 46:10