Last week, I had calling extended to me, and I realized it's not time for me to do such a thing yet. I need time. I need healing.
I thought of Enos, my favorite book from the Book of Mormon, and not because of the length, but because of the message.
I loved it in my better times, and I love it even more now. In verse 4, Enos cried for his own soul first, and after Enos fully forgave himself , then did he cry for his bretheren.
I need to worry about myself and my spirituality before I can worry about others. I need to be strong enough to stand on my own, without feeling like I have to constantly reach out to my bishopric for help. My welfare is just as important, and that's okay.
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Oh! The Love of My Heavenly Father
I have been having a hard week this week. WAY HARD.
After my meeting with the bishop on Tuesday, I felt at peace. On Wednesday, I felt turmoil and anger. I was full of contempt. I started questioning my Bishop’s counsel. I wanted more punishment; I felt like I deserved more.
I started feeling like the people of Moses, with the serpent on the staff, that if the people would just look, they would live. Maybe our repentance isn’t as hard as we think it’s going to be, but we’re counseled to refrain from sinning to begin with.
Wednesday was bad. Thursday was worse. I finally lost everything I had kept together so well inside of me. All the pieces came streaming out, broken and sharp.
But Heavenly Father is looking out for me. He really is. He came to my aide in the form of a forgotten friend. A friend (one of MANY) I alienated myself from after I started dating TAM. She called, and we went to get ice cream at 11:00 at night. We talked, and I vented. I told her about the contention I’ve felt towards my roommates, my hatred for them. I explained my absence from church. I told her about TAM—the rest of the story she didn’t already know. I talked and she listened.
The next morning (after returning home at 3:00 am) I realized I couldn’t do it alone any more. I was physically tired, I was struggling understanding my bishop’s counsel, and my heart was aching.
I called a friend from my better days. He has always cared for me, even in times when I didn’t.
He is the definition of a true friend, always striving to do better. I asked him for a blessing.
Let me take a side note. This man is always wanting to help. He is overjoyed when a member asks him to be a mouthpiece for God. He feels Heavenly Father’s love for His children, and wants them to know of that love. I have never been exempt from it. I never grew up with an understanding of a priesthood blessing. I didn’t receive one until I was 17, from a wonderful mentor in the ward. I received two since. One, my good friend he offered one to me. How grateful I am for him.
So tonight, my friend came and gave me a blessing. He doesn’t know much about my relationship with TAM. He doesn’t know the whole story of my life that has taken place, again for my alienation that I brought upon myself. But he willingly, and excitedly offered to come.
I know that My Heavenly Father is mindful of me. I know this because of the things that my friend said. He talked about my recent attendance of church, and how Heavenly Father is proud of me for making my decisions to return and to once again partake of the sacrament, despite the trials I’ve been through. He also said something that surprised me, he said I'm going to use this experience to start teaching others, and that it has a divine purpose.
I wish I could recall more. There was so much said, that just reassured me of my decisions, but so quickly after the blessing is said, I start to forget it. The veil is only lifted for a short time I guess.
Thank you my dear, dear long lost friend, for reminding me of that love, and reassuring me of that love that I sometimes refuse to see.
How blessed we are as members of this gospel to be able to recieve priesthood blessings.
After my meeting with the bishop on Tuesday, I felt at peace. On Wednesday, I felt turmoil and anger. I was full of contempt. I started questioning my Bishop’s counsel. I wanted more punishment; I felt like I deserved more.
I started feeling like the people of Moses, with the serpent on the staff, that if the people would just look, they would live. Maybe our repentance isn’t as hard as we think it’s going to be, but we’re counseled to refrain from sinning to begin with.
Wednesday was bad. Thursday was worse. I finally lost everything I had kept together so well inside of me. All the pieces came streaming out, broken and sharp.
But Heavenly Father is looking out for me. He really is. He came to my aide in the form of a forgotten friend. A friend (one of MANY) I alienated myself from after I started dating TAM. She called, and we went to get ice cream at 11:00 at night. We talked, and I vented. I told her about the contention I’ve felt towards my roommates, my hatred for them. I explained my absence from church. I told her about TAM—the rest of the story she didn’t already know. I talked and she listened.
The next morning (after returning home at 3:00 am) I realized I couldn’t do it alone any more. I was physically tired, I was struggling understanding my bishop’s counsel, and my heart was aching.
I called a friend from my better days. He has always cared for me, even in times when I didn’t.
He is the definition of a true friend, always striving to do better. I asked him for a blessing.
Let me take a side note. This man is always wanting to help. He is overjoyed when a member asks him to be a mouthpiece for God. He feels Heavenly Father’s love for His children, and wants them to know of that love. I have never been exempt from it. I never grew up with an understanding of a priesthood blessing. I didn’t receive one until I was 17, from a wonderful mentor in the ward. I received two since. One, my good friend he offered one to me. How grateful I am for him.
So tonight, my friend came and gave me a blessing. He doesn’t know much about my relationship with TAM. He doesn’t know the whole story of my life that has taken place, again for my alienation that I brought upon myself. But he willingly, and excitedly offered to come.
I know that My Heavenly Father is mindful of me. I know this because of the things that my friend said. He talked about my recent attendance of church, and how Heavenly Father is proud of me for making my decisions to return and to once again partake of the sacrament, despite the trials I’ve been through. He also said something that surprised me, he said I'm going to use this experience to start teaching others, and that it has a divine purpose.
I wish I could recall more. There was so much said, that just reassured me of my decisions, but so quickly after the blessing is said, I start to forget it. The veil is only lifted for a short time I guess.
Thank you my dear, dear long lost friend, for reminding me of that love, and reassuring me of that love that I sometimes refuse to see.
How blessed we are as members of this gospel to be able to recieve priesthood blessings.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Step #2 Continued
I met with my bishop tonight, and it reaffirmed my belief that men of that nature truly are called of God.
He was so kind and sincere and loving. We met for about 45 minutes or so, and I'm pretty sure he had 2 other appointments after me, but he still met with me and just kept asking questions about me and about my past in the church, out of the church, and what I want to do with my life. I struggled; I tried "confessing" my sins a few times, but I would neglect to say the important aspects of the sentence, but Bishop caught on.
He was so sweet too, he asked if he could ask me questions, because I didn't want to describe to him the relations I had with my TAM. His word: describe. I thought how do you describe something like that? So he asked me, and all I had to say was a simple yes or no depending on the question.
He was so sweet, and so much like a father-figure. He told me the actions I need to take at this point are to refrain from taking the sacrament, which I have been anyway, because I have felt so guilty to even try. He also told me to, in the next few weeks, reestablish my relationship with my Heavenly Father and he wanted me to read my scriptures and to pray.
He also told me something that was kind of interesting to me; he said: I think you've beat yourself up enough, that the guilt is there, and the comittment to not repeat this sin is great. Our Heavenly Father is a loving one, and once you're done with this repentance process, He will no longer remember your sins, but you will, to remind you to never do it again.
I was really greatful for him. I'm so glad that Heavenly Father has heard my unspoken prayers, and has made my way back to Him clear.
After I left my bishop's office I felt so at peace, and I truly felt as if a burden had been lifted. I honestly felt as if I was no longer carrying the world on my shoulders. I've made a lot of progress just in the last week or two, which means I really need to be careful now, because Satan uses the vulnerability I'm feeling to come in and attack me once more. I can't let him. I don't ever want to feel what I've felt over the past year, ever again.
So what Bishop and I have decided: I need to pray earnestly to my Heavenly Father to create a closer relationship with Him. I also need to read my scriptures daily, especially from the Book of Mormon. I am also to refrain from taking the sacrament for a few weeks, and I will meet with Bishop again in 4-6 weeks (depending upon how I'm feeling) and go from there.
Completion of Step #2
The truth is, when I decided to create this blog, I thought my process back was going to
be so difficult, that I didn't know how or if I was ever going to be able to return to the gospel. My desire is there, however, and I think that is what is making the biggest difference right now. My desire to return to my Heavenly Father is Great, and because of that desire, I am not allowing anything to get in my way.
This I contribute to my Patriarchal blessing. In it I am told that I am blessed with:
"health and safety and protection, both physical and spiritual, that [I] might grow in the gospel unhampered by physical ailment or spiritual conflict."
I kind of think Satan is a spiritual conflict, and he was able to overcome me a year ago, because I was not holding up my end of the deal and promises I made with my Savior.
But my steps now are in the right direction.
He was so kind and sincere and loving. We met for about 45 minutes or so, and I'm pretty sure he had 2 other appointments after me, but he still met with me and just kept asking questions about me and about my past in the church, out of the church, and what I want to do with my life. I struggled; I tried "confessing" my sins a few times, but I would neglect to say the important aspects of the sentence, but Bishop caught on.
He was so sweet too, he asked if he could ask me questions, because I didn't want to describe to him the relations I had with my TAM. His word: describe. I thought how do you describe something like that? So he asked me, and all I had to say was a simple yes or no depending on the question.
He was so sweet, and so much like a father-figure. He told me the actions I need to take at this point are to refrain from taking the sacrament, which I have been anyway, because I have felt so guilty to even try. He also told me to, in the next few weeks, reestablish my relationship with my Heavenly Father and he wanted me to read my scriptures and to pray.
He also told me something that was kind of interesting to me; he said: I think you've beat yourself up enough, that the guilt is there, and the comittment to not repeat this sin is great. Our Heavenly Father is a loving one, and once you're done with this repentance process, He will no longer remember your sins, but you will, to remind you to never do it again.
I was really greatful for him. I'm so glad that Heavenly Father has heard my unspoken prayers, and has made my way back to Him clear.
After I left my bishop's office I felt so at peace, and I truly felt as if a burden had been lifted. I honestly felt as if I was no longer carrying the world on my shoulders. I've made a lot of progress just in the last week or two, which means I really need to be careful now, because Satan uses the vulnerability I'm feeling to come in and attack me once more. I can't let him. I don't ever want to feel what I've felt over the past year, ever again.
So what Bishop and I have decided: I need to pray earnestly to my Heavenly Father to create a closer relationship with Him. I also need to read my scriptures daily, especially from the Book of Mormon. I am also to refrain from taking the sacrament for a few weeks, and I will meet with Bishop again in 4-6 weeks (depending upon how I'm feeling) and go from there.
Completion of Step #2
The truth is, when I decided to create this blog, I thought my process back was going to
be so difficult, that I didn't know how or if I was ever going to be able to return to the gospel. My desire is there, however, and I think that is what is making the biggest difference right now. My desire to return to my Heavenly Father is Great, and because of that desire, I am not allowing anything to get in my way.
This I contribute to my Patriarchal blessing. In it I am told that I am blessed with:
"health and safety and protection, both physical and spiritual, that [I] might grow in the gospel unhampered by physical ailment or spiritual conflict."
I kind of think Satan is a spiritual conflict, and he was able to overcome me a year ago, because I was not holding up my end of the deal and promises I made with my Savior.
But my steps now are in the right direction.
Monday, January 18, 2010
Baby Step #2
So,
You win some, you lose some. I didn't go to church yesterday. I had every intention of doing so, but just couldn't bring myself to do so. I know it was the adversary, but I let him win.
I went to work in the afternoon for a half shift, and came home around 6:30. I sat and chatted with my roommate, and she explained the Elder's Quorum Presidency stopped by, as well as the first and second counselors in the bishopric. I was happy, because for the first time since I've been in the ward, the leadership actually stopped by to chat; but I was sad, because I had to be at work during that time.
Well, during my chat with my roommate, we heard the doorbell, and lo and behold, it was the first and second counselors in the bishopric! They explained they had a feeling they needed to come back, and didn't exactly know why, until I answered the door.
They sat and talked with us for an hour or more. Just about life, and asked about my family and they also offered sincere counsel for when another moment like yesterday morning happened. They explained it will be difficult, especially the first few weeks, but if I sincerely pray, asking for the ability/strength to go to church or wherever, that I will be blessed to do so; and they also told me to read my scriptures, particularly the Book of Mormon, because I will be given the strength to move forward every single day.
Simple, but inspired. I wasn't asked to move mountains, I was asked to move me.
Also; I finally made my bishop's appointment. I will be meeting with him tomorrow evening. Wish me luck!
You win some, you lose some. I didn't go to church yesterday. I had every intention of doing so, but just couldn't bring myself to do so. I know it was the adversary, but I let him win.
I went to work in the afternoon for a half shift, and came home around 6:30. I sat and chatted with my roommate, and she explained the Elder's Quorum Presidency stopped by, as well as the first and second counselors in the bishopric. I was happy, because for the first time since I've been in the ward, the leadership actually stopped by to chat; but I was sad, because I had to be at work during that time.
Well, during my chat with my roommate, we heard the doorbell, and lo and behold, it was the first and second counselors in the bishopric! They explained they had a feeling they needed to come back, and didn't exactly know why, until I answered the door.
They sat and talked with us for an hour or more. Just about life, and asked about my family and they also offered sincere counsel for when another moment like yesterday morning happened. They explained it will be difficult, especially the first few weeks, but if I sincerely pray, asking for the ability/strength to go to church or wherever, that I will be blessed to do so; and they also told me to read my scriptures, particularly the Book of Mormon, because I will be given the strength to move forward every single day.
Simple, but inspired. I wasn't asked to move mountains, I was asked to move me.
Also; I finally made my bishop's appointment. I will be meeting with him tomorrow evening. Wish me luck!
Thursday, January 7, 2010
A Letter
Dear TAM,
You broke my heart. You know you did. But in a way, I needed you to. We both know that eventually our relationship would end. Though I wore the ring you bought for me for a year, if I, deep down inside of me wanted to marry you, we would have found a way to be married, and for that I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I wasn’t honest enough with myself to be honest with you.
As much as I want to be angry at you and hate you for what you did to me, and what I became when I was with you, I can’t. I can’t hate you. Maybe because the love that I hold in my heart for you will always trump the hatred I want to feel towards you.
People ask me, why did I waste 2 1/2 years of my life with you. I ask myself daily that question, ever since I walked out that night and never looked back. I didn’t waste 2 1/2 years of my life. I acquired a knowledge about myself and about what I want. I am grateful for the times we had together, granted the good times are what I want to remember most. I want to remember laughing together, hiking together, camping together, our intimate conversations we used to have, our simple walks together, the way you used to call me angel when you spoke to me, and tried so hard to figure out how to play with my hair, and when you used to run your fingers in little designs in the small of my back. These are the things I will always cherish; I want to remember these things most.
But I can’t forget the disagreements, the bad things.
The bad things are what made me realize we could never truly be together. Deep down, we both knew. We knew eventually, I would get to a point where I no longer could walk the line and would have to choose a side. When you started pulling me away from the church I didn’t really notice, that’s how Satan works; deceiving us in little ways. He figured out my weakness, and used you against me. To begin with, the comments didn’t bug me as much, but the more I didn’t say anything, the more you did.
I’ve always loved the gospel. It’s been good to me in times that nothing else was; not my family, not my friends, not school, not anything. The church was the one constant I had in my life, the one thing that ever really made sense to me, and slowly you began to pick at it, and I let you. I let you get away with a lot more than you ever deserved, but it got to be too much.
I realized I couldn’t have you both. I had to make a decision. I procrastinated it for a long time. I’m stubborn, and I wanted to believe you were different, you would change: we both know you won’t. I loved you deeply, and more than I ever thought I could ever love another human being, but I will always love the gospel more. Nothing can ever keep me away from the truth that I know.
So while I want to be sad about us, about my wasted time, about the way things ended, I can’t let myself. I can’t be sad, because this is my chance to find out who I really am, and to see what my future holds.
A few nights before I left, I caught a glimpse of the life I would have with you. It wasn’t a happy one. It was very much like the life my parents chose for themselves, and I couldn’t do that to myself, or to my children I will have. I saw an unhappy marriage, filled with heartache and sadness. I deserve better. Not right now, but I do, soon.
So TAM, I love you, but I love the gospel more. This is where I finally get the last word.
Love Always
Angel
You broke my heart. You know you did. But in a way, I needed you to. We both know that eventually our relationship would end. Though I wore the ring you bought for me for a year, if I, deep down inside of me wanted to marry you, we would have found a way to be married, and for that I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I wasn’t honest enough with myself to be honest with you.
As much as I want to be angry at you and hate you for what you did to me, and what I became when I was with you, I can’t. I can’t hate you. Maybe because the love that I hold in my heart for you will always trump the hatred I want to feel towards you.
People ask me, why did I waste 2 1/2 years of my life with you. I ask myself daily that question, ever since I walked out that night and never looked back. I didn’t waste 2 1/2 years of my life. I acquired a knowledge about myself and about what I want. I am grateful for the times we had together, granted the good times are what I want to remember most. I want to remember laughing together, hiking together, camping together, our intimate conversations we used to have, our simple walks together, the way you used to call me angel when you spoke to me, and tried so hard to figure out how to play with my hair, and when you used to run your fingers in little designs in the small of my back. These are the things I will always cherish; I want to remember these things most.
But I can’t forget the disagreements, the bad things.
The bad things are what made me realize we could never truly be together. Deep down, we both knew. We knew eventually, I would get to a point where I no longer could walk the line and would have to choose a side. When you started pulling me away from the church I didn’t really notice, that’s how Satan works; deceiving us in little ways. He figured out my weakness, and used you against me. To begin with, the comments didn’t bug me as much, but the more I didn’t say anything, the more you did.
I’ve always loved the gospel. It’s been good to me in times that nothing else was; not my family, not my friends, not school, not anything. The church was the one constant I had in my life, the one thing that ever really made sense to me, and slowly you began to pick at it, and I let you. I let you get away with a lot more than you ever deserved, but it got to be too much.
I realized I couldn’t have you both. I had to make a decision. I procrastinated it for a long time. I’m stubborn, and I wanted to believe you were different, you would change: we both know you won’t. I loved you deeply, and more than I ever thought I could ever love another human being, but I will always love the gospel more. Nothing can ever keep me away from the truth that I know.
So while I want to be sad about us, about my wasted time, about the way things ended, I can’t let myself. I can’t be sad, because this is my chance to find out who I really am, and to see what my future holds.
A few nights before I left, I caught a glimpse of the life I would have with you. It wasn’t a happy one. It was very much like the life my parents chose for themselves, and I couldn’t do that to myself, or to my children I will have. I saw an unhappy marriage, filled with heartache and sadness. I deserve better. Not right now, but I do, soon.
So TAM, I love you, but I love the gospel more. This is where I finally get the last word.
Love Always
Angel
Monday, January 4, 2010
Baby Step #1
Baby Step #1 of MY YEAR!
I went to church yesterday. I haven't been to church in almost 2 years. Yes sporadically here and there I have attended, but never in my heart. Yesterday, I was there 100%. Towards the end it became a little difficult, but I stuck it out.
Here's the baby step story, stay tuned, because it's a good 'ne!
Since starting my new job in October, I have been writing out tithing checks. However, I never was able to attend church because said job always had me working on Sundays. Therefore, I had accumulated several checks on my desk.
So yesterday, when I went to church, I turned in all of my tithing checks from October on. My bishop shook my hand and looked at me curiously, as if trying to decide whether or not to ask my name. He did, I told him, and I left.
Well, (This is where the baby step gets really good!) I had just gotten off the phone with my mom, and was getting ready to go to work. I got a phone call from a number I didn't recognize, but decided to answer anyway. It was my bishop. He called to ask me about my tithing (basically a tithing settlement on the phone because I never went to one in December). I told him I didn't know. I explained to him I had not attended church for 2 years, and that today (yesterday) was the first time I have been in a long time. His voice became nurturing, he wanted to help me. He asked me to make an appointment so he could get to know me, and so we can discuss a way to help me.
You may be asking yourself, or maybe even wondering why this is so significant.
I'll tell you.
This is an answered prayer from my loving Heavenly Father.
Why, you ask?
Because I have a hard time asking for help. I have tried to call to make an appointment to see this same bishop, but have failed everytime, because I just can't. I don't know how to go in to see this bishop and explain to him that I screwed up and had sex and regret it.
Now, this bishop knows I've been struggling. This bishop has spoken to me. This bishop has opened the door.
So next sunday, I'm making that appointment to meet with my bishop.
Conclusion of baby step #1.
I went to church yesterday. I haven't been to church in almost 2 years. Yes sporadically here and there I have attended, but never in my heart. Yesterday, I was there 100%. Towards the end it became a little difficult, but I stuck it out.
Here's the baby step story, stay tuned, because it's a good 'ne!
Since starting my new job in October, I have been writing out tithing checks. However, I never was able to attend church because said job always had me working on Sundays. Therefore, I had accumulated several checks on my desk.
So yesterday, when I went to church, I turned in all of my tithing checks from October on. My bishop shook my hand and looked at me curiously, as if trying to decide whether or not to ask my name. He did, I told him, and I left.
Well, (This is where the baby step gets really good!) I had just gotten off the phone with my mom, and was getting ready to go to work. I got a phone call from a number I didn't recognize, but decided to answer anyway. It was my bishop. He called to ask me about my tithing (basically a tithing settlement on the phone because I never went to one in December). I told him I didn't know. I explained to him I had not attended church for 2 years, and that today (yesterday) was the first time I have been in a long time. His voice became nurturing, he wanted to help me. He asked me to make an appointment so he could get to know me, and so we can discuss a way to help me.
You may be asking yourself, or maybe even wondering why this is so significant.
I'll tell you.
This is an answered prayer from my loving Heavenly Father.
Why, you ask?
Because I have a hard time asking for help. I have tried to call to make an appointment to see this same bishop, but have failed everytime, because I just can't. I don't know how to go in to see this bishop and explain to him that I screwed up and had sex and regret it.
Now, this bishop knows I've been struggling. This bishop has spoken to me. This bishop has opened the door.
So next sunday, I'm making that appointment to meet with my bishop.
Conclusion of baby step #1.
Saturday, January 2, 2010
The Right Direction
I have to say, a lot can happen in a short amount of time.
The biggest thing that was holding me back from going back to church, and to returning to what I knew to be true was my tarnished armour man, from here on out referred to as TAM. Well, during the holidays, TAM and I had some ups and some downs.
New Years eve is what did it. TAM got drunk, and got a little physical with me. Something that he's never done before, but, I told him on our very first date, that the minute a man touched me in a violent way, would be the last.
I left that night.
I won't lie to you. I'm extremely sad. I love him. I will always love him. But I can't be with someone I don't trust.
These past two years have been very tumultuous ones indeed. A lot has gone on. Not all bad, not all good.
But, considering this split happened on New Year's Eve/Day, I have dubbed 2010 "My Year"
This is my year!
I'm going to do what I can on my return home to my loving Heavenly Father.
The biggest thing that was holding me back from going back to church, and to returning to what I knew to be true was my tarnished armour man, from here on out referred to as TAM. Well, during the holidays, TAM and I had some ups and some downs.
New Years eve is what did it. TAM got drunk, and got a little physical with me. Something that he's never done before, but, I told him on our very first date, that the minute a man touched me in a violent way, would be the last.
I left that night.
I won't lie to you. I'm extremely sad. I love him. I will always love him. But I can't be with someone I don't trust.
These past two years have been very tumultuous ones indeed. A lot has gone on. Not all bad, not all good.
But, considering this split happened on New Year's Eve/Day, I have dubbed 2010 "My Year"
This is my year!
I'm going to do what I can on my return home to my loving Heavenly Father.
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