Bad Decision

While I was dating TAM, I made a lot of bad decisions.

The worst decision is why this blog was created.

But there were several bad decisions leading up to them.


The last few day I have been having a spring clean of sorts.

As I went through my closet I found clothes I bought just to make TAM like me more. There were low cut shirts, tight shirts, teeny tiny shorts, mini skirts, well you get the picture.

I had a hard time throwing them out, but I realized it was a final step in my spring clean.
I knew I wasn't going to wear them ever again, but I really didn't want to throw them out. It was hard for me. I guess it was the money I spent on them. Or maybe, it was the idea of why I bought them, having someone to love, someone who loved me.

But I'm really glad I got rid of them. I'm not going to miss them. I haven't worn them in a while, and I never really liked wearing them.

I realized I needed to throw them out. Hanging onto clothes I was never going to wear was just another reminder of my bad decisions I had made for a few years.

So I'm throwing out my bad decisions.

Baby Step #4

I recieved my temple reccommend.

It is the most wonderful feeling in the whole world.

As I am not endowed, nor do I plan on being endowed in the nearing future, I just have a baptismal reccommend, but still, the feeling is the sweetest above all.

I know what I have been through is nothing, because I made a decision and I stuck to it.

I have now completed another one of my goals for the year.

I am attending church regularly.
I am partaking of the sacrament.
I obtained a temple reccommend!

Scriptures

The Relief Society message this month was on scripture study.

We were urged as women and daughters of God to become masters of the scriptures, to strengthen our homes and families. And promised, that as we read our scriptures, our lives would be blessed.

I was extremely grateful for this message.

I have noticed this in my life, about scripture study. When I read my scriptures daily, my life is blessed. I think of TAM less, and life is easier to move through.

I've also noticed when I don't, my body is tired, weak, and so is my spirit and soul. I begin doubting my decision to cut off all communication with TAM and I become discouraged.

I am so much better to get along with on days that I have read my scriptures. I have strived to do better, and I have. But now I need to do even better. I let myself skip a few days here and there, and I don't make sure that reading is a priority, which is completely stupid.

I need to do better, to make my scripture study more of a priority, and I know that my Heavenly Father will bless me, and will make carrying my load a little easier.

Looking Good

I know I said I would write about my experience of taking the sacrament for the first time, but stuff happened.

I guess I was expecting some magical moment to take over as soon as the bread touched my lips, but it didn't. Nothing happened. At all.

When I talked to Bishop for the first time, it was the most wonderful feeling I had felt in a LONG time. So I think I was expecting that experience again, only greater.

I was kind of dissappointed, which is why I didn't write.

Then the next weekend I went home for a nice weekend to spend with my family. I was surprised by how many people said how good I looked, members and non-members alike. My family expressed their gratitude in spending time with the "old" me.

It was during this visit I realized things have changed a lot. A lot. I know I was wanting something, but I realized I didn't need anything. I've already experienced the change I need. Now, I just need to keep moving forward and improving.

I've been doing well, and I've realized the more I keep reading my scriptures, and make an effort with my prayers, the better I feel and the better my attitude is.

I was reading a previous post of mine, and I said that I wanted to at least be attending church by March.



How wonderful is this? I accomplished my goal. And more than that, I not only am attending church, but I am again partaking of the sacrament.



I think my "baby steps" have been HUGE leaps and bounds.

A Deeper Hunger

A couple of weeks ago, when I was still getting my footing, I was sitting in Sacrament Meeting, and the Sacrament was being passed. As I passed the Sacrament to those sitting next to me, I experienced a deep sincere hunger. Having actually eaten breakfast that morning, I knew it was a deeper hunger. I was hungering for the Sacrament, for the ability to continue to be cleansed, to draw even closer to my Savior.

May my hunger be satisfied this Sunday.

Baby Step #3

I met with Bishop last night.

He is so funny.

I had been thinking for a while about when I needed to go back and talk with him. I had been asking Heavenly Father to let me know when. I never was told "On this day, meet with Bishop."

I had told myself the next Sunday I had off was my "sign". Well, it was my second Sunday I've had off. I debated for a while. I've been praying earnestly to my Heavenly Father the last few days to know when. I went to church yesterday, asking. I never got a clear answer.

I decided to go ahead and set up an appointment. I told myself, the worst that's going to happen is Bishop will tell you he feels you aren't ready. That scared me. I guess that's what affirmed I knew I was ready to go back. If I was scared of someone telling me no, that meant I felt in my heart I was.

Bishop said I was more than ready. He was grateful I set up the appointment. He was delighted in my changes. He said last time we met I was sad, there was such a deep dejection in my attitude and my demeanor that wasn't there last night. He said my countenance is bright and vibrant. He told me he could feel happiness radiating from me.

I'm glad. I had a moment yesterday. Just a brief one. I saw a picture of TAM that made me cry. But when I started to cry, I went to my bedside and knelt. I prayed to my Heavenly Father to make it stop hurting. To help me.

I guess He has. He has made my pathway back to Him so easy and so clear. I don't know how I ever got lost before.

I'm scared though. I haven't taken the sacrament for almost 2 years. When I sporadically went to church, I knew I couldn't do it.

So now, next Sunday, FAST sunday, I can. I get to partake of the sacrament and renew my covenants with my Savior. How great is that? I am scared and happy and nervous.

I will give a full report on my experience. (My fast, my partaking of sacrament, and my first testimony shared in 2 years.) I'm ready.

An Apology Letter

Dear TAM,
I'm sorry. I owe you a true and deep, sincere apology. I don't know what else to say other than that. I never should have treated you the way I did, stringing you along pretending to want the same things.

I was lying. If not to you, to me. I know that now. I want things that you are unable and unwilling to provide. I knew that.

I think that's why it was so hard. I wanted to be with you, because I love you. I always will love you. And I tried to convince both of us that my love was enough. It would trump the true feelings of my heart.

It was when I realized my fingers were slipping away from my Savior's I realized I had to make a choice.

I broke up with you in my heart long before I walked out that cold January morning. Long before. I'm sorry I wasn't honest with you. I'm sorry I lied to you.

I wish I could make things right. But I know I can't. I know we can't be friends right now. I'm still healing, and you're healing in your own way.

But I hope you can forgive me. I hope that you are happy now. I hope that you experience a happiness I could never give you.

Love,
Angel.

Praying

One of my goals I had this year was to return to all my church activity, and that included institute.

I am so grateful that I did. I have an amazing experience every time.

Today was on prayer. When Bishop asked me to work on developing a closer relationship with my Heavenly Father by reading my scriptures and praying; I swallowed back some reservations I've had.

Prayer has never been a strong point for me. Never encouraged in my life.

But today, we talked about how simple prayer really is. How Heavenly Father wants us to talk to Him; how asking for the same thing over and over again isn't a vain repetition.

We need to weary the Lord with our prayers-talk to Him like a friend and ask Him for help like we ask our friends for help.

God cares about me; He hears me. To think otherwise is to be conviced of a satanic lie, bringing me back down to a level I never want to be again.

Right now, I'm asking God to help me forgive myself.
To let me know when I should go talk to my bishop again.

Those are the two things I'm asking for, and will continue to ask for until I know they are answered.

Moving Forward

So today was a hard day.

I heard TAM is searching for single girls again.

That breaks my heart.

True, it's been 6 weeks since we've spoken, but I'm having a hard time.

How is it that my best friend can walk away and not even care about me anymore.

He told me once, he was going to care about me the rest of his life. I have a hard time believing that. Especially for how easy it is for him to jump back to the life he had without me, when I sit here and cry and miss him immensely.

Hard is what this is.

But we cannot rise up out of the world to reach our highest potential without undergoing uncomfortable, sometimes painful, experiences. (I read that out of the January Ensign)

Time to move forward. TAM has.

Sunflowers

I have loved Sunflowers since I was a small girl. I love the colors, I love the size, and I love how they follow the sun throughout the day.

They are beautiful. Everything about them.

I think often how I need to be more like the sunflower, following my Savior throughout my day, making sure he's guiding my life.

The intracacies of these beautiful flowers just amazes me. How delicate, yet strong they can be.



I also love that not all of them are beautiful. Some of them have blemishes. Some don't stand out as much as others. Some weren't nurtured the way they should be, but even still, they continue to follow the sun, all day every day.

As should I.

Grief

I was thinking about the stages of grief that everyone goes through. We all go through them differently and for different things.

But I realized with my breakup with TAM, that I am also experiencing stages of grief.

I lost my best friend. Granted, he was an earthly friend, and not the best friend one could ask for, but he was mine.

I was okay for a while. But recently, I've really started to miss him. There are days when I don't want to get out of bed, because I don't know if I will ever be happy again. I mean, I'm happy, I really am. But there are days when I just want to call him up, like I used to. Excitedly tell him my good news. Or vent my bad.

I wish it wasn't this way. I wish that things had gone differently. I think about specific moments that I will always cherish and it tears my heart in half. I hate feeling this way, but I do.

I know this is only a moment in time. And only recently, have I been reminded that my Savior is carrying me through this time, and he has already felt this pain and heartache that I'm experiencing. That knowledge makes what I'm feeling really bitter-sweet.

How grateful I am that I can partake of the fruit of the atonement, to know that this is just a small, but needed, moment.

On the upside, there are only good things to come. The "depression stage" of grief is the lowest point one experiences.

I am anxious for the day when I think of TAM less, and will have other things to focus my energy on.

Lessons Learned

I have learned so much in such a short amount of time.

I have come to a realization the reason last week was so hard was that I forgot the Lord. I had gotten so busy and so stressed out, that I didn't make time to remember Him in my life. My thoughts were clouded over with other things, and I didn't let Him into my life.

This week, I have made an extra effort to remember Him in my life, and to remember Him in my interactions with others, and can I tell you what? Things have gone really well. I've had my moments where I could have gotten really upset, or let things get to me, but I didn't because in those moments I already had Heavenly Father holding my hand, and calming me, and helping me laugh my way through.

I ask God to put my soul at ease, and I wake up singing a hymn. I haven't cried, or been angry, or felt animosity towards another soul this week, unlike last week.

I've come to find when we need our Heavenly Father the most, is when we most forget to turn to Him.

An Experiment

I know this is bad, but I just had to do it, for me.

Last week sucked. It really did. I cried all the time. I was missing TAM after realizing it had been a month since we had spoken, and he didn't even care. I was stressed out and tired from work and school, and trying so hard to remember my Heavenly Father again, and to remind myself that I'm a daughter of God. I forget that a lot now.

I thought after I asked my friend for a blessing, I would be at peace, even if things didn't get easier, I would be shown a pathway and would be able to keep my head above water. I wasn't. I mean I heard the things I needed to hear from my Heavenly Father, but I wasn't doing okay. At all.

I didn't know what to do. I went to church on Sunday an hour late and angry. I have been feeling such animosity for everyone around me. Everyone made me angry, and everyone was iritating. I started to think about that. If everyone was acting that way to me, maybe it wasn't them; maybe it was me.

What a horrible thought.

Then I had another realization. I hadn't been taking Bishop's advice. I mean I was, but not consistently. I couldn't really think back on the week, due to my haziness and my tears, but I started wondering how much the two corresponded.

So Sunday, I read my scriptures and I asked my Heavenly Father for two things. To forgive my ignorance. And to help me to be at peace. I asked Him to bless me, to help me at work, and in school.

And guess what, Monday was great! I woke up singing "Clay in His Hands" by Jessie Clark. I literally woke up singing. I don't sing, but this song puts my heart at peace, and these lyrics were the first thoughts of my day. Pretty great.

So being the pessimest that I am, I had to test God. You would think I would have learned my lesson, considering, well you know, but no. I had to see.

So last night I didn't read my scriptures, and I didn't pray, and today was horrible. I woke up when I was supposed to be at a meeting, and therefore showed up late for the meeting, wasn't able to focus, felt tired all day, and didn't get anything done I needed to.

I could sit here and tell you it was just a coincidence, but there is no such thing as a coincidence when you have a testimony of God and His Son, so I know the events that transpired today were not a coincidence, but a realization, that those two simple things are what make my day either good or bad.

I think I needed that confirmation from my Heavenly Father. I needed to know that I'm doing the right thing, and that I'm on the right path.

So now, (like when I used to have the Lord close to my heart)
I will:
"be still and know that I am God" -Psalms 46:10

Me

Last week, I had calling extended to me, and I realized it's not time for me to do such a thing yet. I need time. I need healing.

I thought of Enos, my favorite book from the Book of Mormon, and not because of the length, but because of the message.

I loved it in my better times, and I love it even more now. In verse 4, Enos cried for his own soul first, and after Enos fully forgave himself , then did he cry for his bretheren.

I need to worry about myself and my spirituality before I can worry about others. I need to be strong enough to stand on my own, without feeling like I have to constantly reach out to my bishopric for help. My welfare is just as important, and that's okay.

Oh! The Love of My Heavenly Father

I have been having a hard week this week. WAY HARD.

After my meeting with the bishop on Tuesday, I felt at peace. On Wednesday, I felt turmoil and anger. I was full of contempt. I started questioning my Bishop’s counsel. I wanted more punishment; I felt like I deserved more.

I started feeling like the people of Moses, with the serpent on the staff, that if the people would just look, they would live. Maybe our repentance isn’t as hard as we think it’s going to be, but we’re counseled to refrain from sinning to begin with.

Wednesday was bad. Thursday was worse. I finally lost everything I had kept together so well inside of me. All the pieces came streaming out, broken and sharp.

But Heavenly Father is looking out for me. He really is. He came to my aide in the form of a forgotten friend. A friend (one of MANY) I alienated myself from after I started dating TAM. She called, and we went to get ice cream at 11:00 at night. We talked, and I vented. I told her about the contention I’ve felt towards my roommates, my hatred for them. I explained my absence from church. I told her about TAM—the rest of the story she didn’t already know. I talked and she listened.

The next morning (after returning home at 3:00 am) I realized I couldn’t do it alone any more. I was physically tired, I was struggling understanding my bishop’s counsel, and my heart was aching.

I called a friend from my better days. He has always cared for me, even in times when I didn’t.
He is the definition of a true friend, always striving to do better. I asked him for a blessing.

Let me take a side note. This man is always wanting to help. He is overjoyed when a member asks him to be a mouthpiece for God. He feels Heavenly Father’s love for His children, and wants them to know of that love. I have never been exempt from it. I never grew up with an understanding of a priesthood blessing. I didn’t receive one until I was 17, from a wonderful mentor in the ward. I received two since. One, my good friend he offered one to me. How grateful I am for him.

So tonight, my friend came and gave me a blessing. He doesn’t know much about my relationship with TAM. He doesn’t know the whole story of my life that has taken place, again for my alienation that I brought upon myself. But he willingly, and excitedly offered to come.

I know that My Heavenly Father is mindful of me. I know this because of the things that my friend said. He talked about my recent attendance of church, and how Heavenly Father is proud of me for making my decisions to return and to once again partake of the sacrament, despite the trials I’ve been through. He also said something that surprised me, he said I'm going to use this experience to start teaching others, and that it has a divine purpose.

I wish I could recall more. There was so much said, that just reassured me of my decisions, but so quickly after the blessing is said, I start to forget it. The veil is only lifted for a short time I guess.

Thank you my dear, dear long lost friend, for reminding me of that love, and reassuring me of that love that I sometimes refuse to see.

How blessed we are as members of this gospel to be able to recieve priesthood blessings.

Step #2 Continued

I met with my bishop tonight, and it reaffirmed my belief that men of that nature truly are called of God.

He was so kind and sincere and loving. We met for about 45 minutes or so, and I'm pretty sure he had 2 other appointments after me, but he still met with me and just kept asking questions about me and about my past in the church, out of the church, and what I want to do with my life. I struggled; I tried "confessing" my sins a few times, but I would neglect to say the important aspects of the sentence, but Bishop caught on.

He was so sweet too, he asked if he could ask me questions, because I didn't want to describe to him the relations I had with my TAM. His word: describe. I thought how do you describe something like that? So he asked me, and all I had to say was a simple yes or no depending on the question.

He was so sweet, and so much like a father-figure. He told me the actions I need to take at this point are to refrain from taking the sacrament, which I have been anyway, because I have felt so guilty to even try. He also told me to, in the next few weeks, reestablish my relationship with my Heavenly Father and he wanted me to read my scriptures and to pray.

He also told me something that was kind of interesting to me; he said: I think you've beat yourself up enough, that the guilt is there, and the comittment to not repeat this sin is great. Our Heavenly Father is a loving one, and once you're done with this repentance process, He will no longer remember your sins, but you will, to remind you to never do it again.

I was really greatful for him. I'm so glad that Heavenly Father has heard my unspoken prayers, and has made my way back to Him clear.

After I left my bishop's office I felt so at peace, and I truly felt as if a burden had been lifted. I honestly felt as if I was no longer carrying the world on my shoulders. I've made a lot of progress just in the last week or two, which means I really need to be careful now, because Satan uses the vulnerability I'm feeling to come in and attack me once more. I can't let him. I don't ever want to feel what I've felt over the past year, ever again.

So what Bishop and I have decided: I need to pray earnestly to my Heavenly Father to create a closer relationship with Him. I also need to read my scriptures daily, especially from the Book of Mormon. I am also to refrain from taking the sacrament for a few weeks, and I will meet with Bishop again in 4-6 weeks (depending upon how I'm feeling) and go from there.

Completion of Step #2

The truth is, when I decided to create this blog, I thought my process back was going to
be so difficult, that I didn't know how or if I was ever going to be able to return to the gospel. My desire is there, however, and I think that is what is making the biggest difference right now. My desire to return to my Heavenly Father is Great, and because of that desire, I am not allowing anything to get in my way.

This I contribute to my Patriarchal blessing. In it I am told that I am blessed with:
"health and safety and protection, both physical and spiritual, that [I] might grow in the gospel unhampered by physical ailment or spiritual conflict."

I kind of think Satan is a spiritual conflict, and he was able to overcome me a year ago, because I was not holding up my end of the deal and promises I made with my Savior.

But my steps now are in the right direction.

Baby Step #2

So,
You win some, you lose some. I didn't go to church yesterday. I had every intention of doing so, but just couldn't bring myself to do so. I know it was the adversary, but I let him win.

I went to work in the afternoon for a half shift, and came home around 6:30. I sat and chatted with my roommate, and she explained the Elder's Quorum Presidency stopped by, as well as the first and second counselors in the bishopric. I was happy, because for the first time since I've been in the ward, the leadership actually stopped by to chat; but I was sad, because I had to be at work during that time.

Well, during my chat with my roommate, we heard the doorbell, and lo and behold, it was the first and second counselors in the bishopric! They explained they had a feeling they needed to come back, and didn't exactly know why, until I answered the door.

They sat and talked with us for an hour or more. Just about life, and asked about my family and they also offered sincere counsel for when another moment like yesterday morning happened. They explained it will be difficult, especially the first few weeks, but if I sincerely pray, asking for the ability/strength to go to church or wherever, that I will be blessed to do so; and they also told me to read my scriptures, particularly the Book of Mormon, because I will be given the strength to move forward every single day.

Simple, but inspired. I wasn't asked to move mountains, I was asked to move me.

Also; I finally made my bishop's appointment. I will be meeting with him tomorrow evening. Wish me luck!

A Letter

Dear TAM,

You broke my heart. You know you did. But in a way, I needed you to. We both know that eventually our relationship would end. Though I wore the ring you bought for me for a year, if I, deep down inside of me wanted to marry you, we would have found a way to be married, and for that I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I wasn’t honest enough with myself to be honest with you.

As much as I want to be angry at you and hate you for what you did to me, and what I became when I was with you, I can’t. I can’t hate you. Maybe because the love that I hold in my heart for you will always trump the hatred I want to feel towards you.

People ask me, why did I waste 2 1/2 years of my life with you. I ask myself daily that question, ever since I walked out that night and never looked back. I didn’t waste 2 1/2 years of my life. I acquired a knowledge about myself and about what I want. I am grateful for the times we had together, granted the good times are what I want to remember most. I want to remember laughing together, hiking together, camping together, our intimate conversations we used to have, our simple walks together, the way you used to call me angel when you spoke to me, and tried so hard to figure out how to play with my hair, and when you used to run your fingers in little designs in the small of my back. These are the things I will always cherish; I want to remember these things most.

But I can’t forget the disagreements, the bad things.

The bad things are what made me realize we could never truly be together. Deep down, we both knew. We knew eventually, I would get to a point where I no longer could walk the line and would have to choose a side. When you started pulling me away from the church I didn’t really notice, that’s how Satan works; deceiving us in little ways. He figured out my weakness, and used you against me. To begin with, the comments didn’t bug me as much, but the more I didn’t say anything, the more you did.

I’ve always loved the gospel. It’s been good to me in times that nothing else was; not my family, not my friends, not school, not anything. The church was the one constant I had in my life, the one thing that ever really made sense to me, and slowly you began to pick at it, and I let you. I let you get away with a lot more than you ever deserved, but it got to be too much.

I realized I couldn’t have you both. I had to make a decision. I procrastinated it for a long time. I’m stubborn, and I wanted to believe you were different, you would change: we both know you won’t. I loved you deeply, and more than I ever thought I could ever love another human being, but I will always love the gospel more. Nothing can ever keep me away from the truth that I know.

So while I want to be sad about us, about my wasted time, about the way things ended, I can’t let myself. I can’t be sad, because this is my chance to find out who I really am, and to see what my future holds.

A few nights before I left, I caught a glimpse of the life I would have with you. It wasn’t a happy one. It was very much like the life my parents chose for themselves, and I couldn’t do that to myself, or to my children I will have. I saw an unhappy marriage, filled with heartache and sadness. I deserve better. Not right now, but I do, soon.

So TAM, I love you, but I love the gospel more. This is where I finally get the last word.

Love Always
Angel

Baby Step #1

Baby Step #1 of MY YEAR!

I went to church yesterday. I haven't been to church in almost 2 years. Yes sporadically here and there I have attended, but never in my heart. Yesterday, I was there 100%. Towards the end it became a little difficult, but I stuck it out.

Here's the baby step story, stay tuned, because it's a good 'ne!

Since starting my new job in October, I have been writing out tithing checks. However, I never was able to attend church because said job always had me working on Sundays. Therefore, I had accumulated several checks on my desk.

So yesterday, when I went to church, I turned in all of my tithing checks from October on. My bishop shook my hand and looked at me curiously, as if trying to decide whether or not to ask my name. He did, I told him, and I left.

Well, (This is where the baby step gets really good!) I had just gotten off the phone with my mom, and was getting ready to go to work. I got a phone call from a number I didn't recognize, but decided to answer anyway. It was my bishop. He called to ask me about my tithing (basically a tithing settlement on the phone because I never went to one in December). I told him I didn't know. I explained to him I had not attended church for 2 years, and that today (yesterday) was the first time I have been in a long time. His voice became nurturing, he wanted to help me. He asked me to make an appointment so he could get to know me, and so we can discuss a way to help me.

You may be asking yourself, or maybe even wondering why this is so significant.

I'll tell you.

This is an answered prayer from my loving Heavenly Father.

Why, you ask?

Because I have a hard time asking for help. I have tried to call to make an appointment to see this same bishop, but have failed everytime, because I just can't. I don't know how to go in to see this bishop and explain to him that I screwed up and had sex and regret it.

Now, this bishop knows I've been struggling. This bishop has spoken to me. This bishop has opened the door.

So next sunday, I'm making that appointment to meet with my bishop.

Conclusion of baby step #1.

The Right Direction

I have to say, a lot can happen in a short amount of time.

The biggest thing that was holding me back from going back to church, and to returning to what I knew to be true was my tarnished armour man, from here on out referred to as TAM. Well, during the holidays, TAM and I had some ups and some downs.

New Years eve is what did it. TAM got drunk, and got a little physical with me. Something that he's never done before, but, I told him on our very first date, that the minute a man touched me in a violent way, would be the last.

I left that night.

I won't lie to you. I'm extremely sad. I love him. I will always love him. But I can't be with someone I don't trust.

These past two years have been very tumultuous ones indeed. A lot has gone on. Not all bad, not all good.

But, considering this split happened on New Year's Eve/Day, I have dubbed 2010 "My Year"

This is my year!

I'm going to do what I can on my return home to my loving Heavenly Father.